'Purpose Driven Life' author's son kills himself; parents shouldn't blame themselves

Pastor Rick Warren - AP Photo

For  someone who has found the meaning of life, his son obviously did not.

Pastor Rick Warren, author of the book "Purpose Driven Life," recently had something happen to him that turned his life upside-down. His son Matthew, 27, took his life by a self-inflicted gun shot wound.

I have heard people criticize Warren because of this – judging him for being at the center of a network of seven California worship campuses, but not being able to help his own son.

For instance, on a USA Today story, a commenter from Cincinnati said, "Either there is no God, or God doesn't listen to Rick Warren, despite all the money Rick has
made off of selling false hope to desperate people."

Matthew Warren - AP Photo

Seeing this made me sick. Obviously, people don't understand what depression is.

I can't even imagine what a parent must be going through -- the constantly rehashing of different scenarios, thinking, "What could I have done to save him or her?"

First of all, you are not responsible for the decisions of someone else, including your son or daughter. Many times, people are so good at hiding their depression that not even those closest to them cannot see the signs. 

One crisis intervention counselor said, "There are not always clear cut signs that someone is going to commit suicide.  They may seem completely happy and optimistic but be so deep in denial and depression that one day just makes them snap."

Also, a child is not at home 24/7. Parents cannot be everywhere and keep their child safe from everything.

The only way to really guarantee the safety of a child is to keep him and her in a bubble-wrap room, constantly keeping tabs on him or her. But what kind of life would this be?

As a child gets older, peers have more and more of an effect, and less and less do they act based on their parents' influence. For Matthew Warren, who knows what was going on outside of the home? Who knows how others treated him? Or how he, internally, felt about himself? There are so many other factors, factors we will probably never know about, that cause suicide — most of which have nothing to do with parents.

Also, if someone has problems producing serotonin in the brain, no matter how you were raised, this still happens. Depression is a disease. Just as much as you cannot prevent your child from being diagnosed with cancer, you also cannot prevent this.

But, if your child has lost his or her life to suicide, you can move forward.  You can help others.

That is what Warren is doing. He is launching a "Mental Illness Ministry" following his son's suicide — seeking to support those who suffer from mental illness. He is working with his wife to urge educations, lawmakers, healthcare professionals and church congregations to raise awareness and lower the stigma of mental illness.

So, stop blaming yourself, and instead use your experiences to help others.

Suicide is 'contagious,' another reason not to do it

thefutureofhealthnow.com

Here is another reason, in the long list of reasons, why you shouldn't kill yourself.

What if you knew that your death could cause other people to die too? Would you rethink it? 

If you think the world would be better off without you, that's just not true. In fact, if you kill yourself, this increases the chances that others will attempt to do the same thing.

A new study has found that students age 12 to 13 who had a classmate kill him or herself was almost five times more likely to have thoughts of suicide than someone who never had a classmate commit suicide. Of 16 to 17-year-olds, 15.1 percent of the students who had a classmate commit suicide said they had thought of it too, compared to 7.4 percent of students who didn't have a classmate kill themselves. 

The study shows that these effects last for up to two years following the suicide. Also, a previous study shows that teens are at the highest risk to attempt suicide up to two years after a parent dies from suicide. 

Also — surprisingly — someone doesn't have to be particularly close to the person who died in order to have these thoughts or to attempt suicide as well. 

Dr. Ian Colman, an assistant professor at the Department of Epidemiology and Community Medicine and Canada Research Chair in Mental Health Epidemiology, said in the study:  "When someone dies, particularly a young person, the deceased is described by their loved ones in the media and in social media in glowing, romantic terms, often mentioning how beautiful the child was. Talk like this is common when any child dies, but it can be dangerous when talking about suicide. When other vulnerable youth are reading or hearing about this, they see the reports about how wonderful the person was, and they want their loved ones to feel the same way about them."

If being harsh could save one person from doing this permanent thing, then so be it. If telling someone "Your life will get better" won't work, maybe telling them that, by choosing to live, you could save someone else — maybe that will make them stop and think. Your death could make someone else contemplate suicide. And killing yourself could cause someone else to kill themselves too. 

No matter how bad your life may seem, is that really worth it? 

I also think this serves as a harsh reminder to all of us. Don't wait until someone dies to say, "I love you," or say how much those in your life mean to you. Maybe, if more people were told they were loved while alive, they wouldn't want, so desperately, to die. 

What are panic attacks?

Imagine that you are walking in a dark alley, and all of the sudden, a robber puts a gun to your head and demands all of your money.

Your heart would probably pick up speed. You would probably start sweating or hyperventilating. And you, very well, may be afraid for your life.

Now imagine getting all of these physical effects — but while sitting at work, sitting on your couch, in the library or even in the middle of sleeping. All of the sudden, without warning, you feel (usually four or more of the following symptoms): a sense of impending danger, your heart picks up speed, you begin sweating and trembling, you become short of breath, you start hyperventilating, you get chills, you feel like you are going to throw up, your stomach cramps up,  your chest hurts, you have trouble swallowing and you feel like you are going to pass out.

Sure, in a time of fear or intense sadness, these physical symptoms make sense.  But when they come up for no apparent reason, it's scary. Very scary.

WebMD says that panic attacks are generally brief, lasting less than 10 minutes, although some of the symptoms may persist for a longer time. And when the attacks occur repeatedly, a person is considered to have a condition known as a panic disorder — which is not rare and affects about 2.4 million people in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 54.

Often the first attacks are triggered by a major life stress.

Because of the physical symptoms, many people experience a panic attack think they are having a heart attack. Medicine Net reports that, actually, 25 percent of people who visit emergency rooms because of chest pain are actually experiencing a panic attack.

This is why, if you have panic attacks, it is important to get checked out medically to make sure there is nothing wrong with your heart.

Medically, there are several treatments and forms of psychotherapy for those suffering from panic disorder. Examples, according to Medicine Net, are sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), and citalopram (Celexa) from the SSRI group, duloxetine (Cymbalta) and venlafaxine (Effexor) from the SSNRI group, and clonazepam (Klonopin) and lorazepam (Ativan) from the benzodiazepine group.

And psychotherapy can decrease irrational thoughts and behaviors the reinforce panic symptoms.

If you are trying to naturally reduce your number of panic attacks, keep in mind that substances such as caffeine and alcohol can worsen panic attacks. Exercise, deep breathing, massage therapy and yoga can also help reduce panic attacks (I personally would enjoy getting massages and having the excuse that it was doctor-prescribed).

To me, panic attacks prove that depression and anxiety are medical disorders. To me, this proves that, just like cancer, it's something you can't control. And something that needs to be treated.

Suicide rate among middle-age Americans rises 28% in decade

The government released Thursday that the suicide rate among middle-aged Americans has climbed by an astounding 28 percent in a decade.

The suicide rate for white men and women in that age group has climbed even more — the rate jumping 40 percent between 1999 and 2010. Suicide has gone from the eighth leading cause of death among middle-aged Americas to the fourth. 

The Washington Post reports that the recession, which hit manufacturing-heavy states like Michigan pretty hard, may have pushed already troubled people over the brink. After all, losing a job or getting a pay cut after working for years can have an extreme effect on your self-worth. 

But it seems like, although suicides among people ages 35 to 64 accounts for about 57 percent of suicides in the U.S. — suicide prevention efforts focus mostly on youth. 

As the New York Times reports: “Suicide has typically been viewed as a problem of teenagers and the elderly, and the surge in suicide rates among middle-age Americans is surprising.”

While there are several challenges youth have to deal with — such as bullying, stresses of fitting in, etc. — many times the mid-life challenges are overlooked. After all, many people in this age group are so busy taking care of their teen's problems and making sure their children are cared for that their problems go by the wayside. 

But adulthood problems are just as real as teenage problems — and many times even more stressful. Some of the various problems plaguing the baby boomer generation are job loss, divorce, caring for aging parents, thinking about your own mortality, realizing life didn't turn out the way you expected (but does it ever turn out the way you expected?) and, an added stress for women — menopause. 

Sometimes, people go through a mid-life crisis. To me, I would say — go through that mid-life crisis! It's a lot healthier of a way to deal than to take your life. Dye your hair a weird color, splurge on a new sports car (if you can afford it), change your career, open your dream business, take a vacation. If this helps you feel better, then go for it. You only live once, and, instead of ending your life, live it! No, you're not too old to learn how to drive a motorcycle, dance in a mosh pit or dye your hair a bright fuchsia (even if this does embarrass your children). 

Most importantly, you need to learn that you cannot take care of others unless you first help yourself. Asking for help is not a sign a weaknesses. Instead, being able to admit that you do need help takes strength. 

And I'm hoping this newly released statistic will bring attention to the risks of suicide among the middle-age population and that, instead of just programs targeting teens, programs will be created for them as well. Don't think that what you're going through isn't important — because it is. 

Let yourself be happy because you deserve it

This is a reminder I needed today.

After La Salle High School student attempts suicide in class, reminder to parents to lock up guns

Photo credit: AP

On Monday, a student at La Salle High School pulled out a gun in his first-period class in front of 22 other students and shot himself in the head in an apparent suicide attempt.

The student is now reportedly fighting for his life.

The student, whose name has not been released, completed more than 80 hours of community service and is an honor student working to become an Eagle Scout.

I agree with what Greg Tankersley, the director of the all boys Catholic school said — "Our message is to parents out there take the time to tell your kids that you love them."

To me, this serves as a strong reminder to parents. Lock up your guns. Lock up your medications. And don't be afraid to check your child's backpack. This is not an invasion of privacy. If you don't take the precautions to ensure that your child is safe, no one else will.

Don't think, "Oh, my child would never attempt suicide." Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death — which doesn't account for the attempts. And studies show that one in 12 teens have attempted suicide. That means, in an average classroom, at least two of the students have attempted to take their own lives. That's a lot.

A study by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill analyzed 94 people who owned guns and had children under the age of 7. Of those interviewed, 36 percent said they kept their firearms loaded, and 57 percent said they did not keep their guns in a locked compartment.

These same adults said they had a smoke alarm, capped their electrical outlets and kept poisonous substances out of a child's reach. But the one thing that could kill their children in one blow — that was kept readily available for their child to get to.

For those who are considering suicide, having the means to end their life right in their midst makes it that much harder. Those who take their lives are not in their right minds. Having a gun within reach does not help. It's not like a teenager can go apply for a gun license by him or herself. And I feel if these same teens did not have this access, I wonder how many lives would be saved?

Dr. Tamera Coyne-Beasley, a pediatrician at UNC-Chapel Hill School of Medicine, told ABC News, "If you must keep a gun [at home], the safest thing to do is to unload [it] and keep it locked up. Then keep the ammunition locked up … and stored separately from the gun."

How to forgive yourself

Have you ever felt like you wanted to die after hurting another person?

I have been there. For me, knowing I was the cause of someone else's pain sometimes hurts more than someone hurting me.

I know that, in life, we will have our hearts broken, and we will break others' hearts as well. But I know that, for the last time I broke someone's heart, I have not yet forgiven myself. And I have, instead, beaten myself up for it, thinking I'm a horrible person.

As humans, we all make mistakes, And, often times through our actions, somebody gets hurt.

If you hate yourself for hurting someone else, don't take your life. For one, even if you think the world would be a better place without you, it's not true. Let me repeat that. It's not true. Your deep guilt has distorted your view from reality. And if you take your life, that will hurt others even more than that thing you feel guilty about.

When someone makes the decision to take his or her life, it destroys more than the life that has been taken. Psychology Today reports that those abandoned in this way may wear the scars for life — some unable to fully bond with another person again and others develop anxiety disorders or fall into depression.

Tony Salvatore, whose oldest son lost his life to suicide, knows firsthand how it affects others. He wrote, "You think nobody cares? Think that they won't give a damn? Listen: It's not what you think of them or what you think that they think of you that matters. It's what they think of you. You may not feel that they care, but you could be, and probably are, very, very wrong."

But forgiving yourself is easier said than done. I know, for me, it's so much easier to forgive others than to forgive myself. After all, I have to live with myself all the time, 24 hours a day.

Here are some steps from the website tinybuddha.com:
1. Accept yourself and your flaws. Once you realize that you are not perfect (and that no one is), this will make a world of a difference.

2. You're not a bad person. There is a big difference between doing a bad thing and being a bad person. Even when you do something that you regret, you most likely had a valid reason for doing it at the time (sometimes that reason makes rational sense and sometimes it doesn't, but, even so, you did have a reason). 

3. Talk to someone about it. Get it off your chest. When you are mad at yourself, it can cloud your reasonable judgements. An outside opinion can help. Knowing other people are less critical of you than you are of yourself can be encouraging.

4. Therapy. If your self hatred seems unconquerable, you may need to seek professional help.

5. Separate yourself. If your friend was telling you how much they hate themselves because of a mistake, what would you say? Chances are you wouldn't tell them what you are telling yourself. So, why are you thinking that way about yourself? Give yourself the same advice you would give a friend.

You cannot go back and change the past. So don't live your life beating yourself up about it. Instead, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and learn from it. Life is full of paths we take and decisions we make that leads us to where we are today. In life, we will take wrong turns and hit dead ends. But, if you are still living, the journey is not over. And you still can right yourself on that path.